October 24, 2016

2016 is the crap gift that keeps on giving

Via Bill Quick comes the news that Steven denBeste has died.

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July 24, 2016

How I see the election shaping up this year

It's been a while, so I'm not sure where to start...

Okay, I'll start with the Republican convention:

I rarely watch the convention, except for the nominee's speech. The dog and pony show aspect gets on my nerves. This year, though, I watched a bit more and some things stood out:

1) Trump's children are very good spokesmen for him. Eric, Donald Jr., Ivanka: all turned in strong performances. You will likely see a lot more of them on the campaign trail

2) I though Trump's acceptance speech was workmanlike. He seems less comfortable with the teleprompter than our current "needs teleprompter to take a dump" president, but the delivery was okay. If you hate Trump, you'll have hated it. If you were already a Trump supporter, you probably thought it was the best thing ever. What's important is how it will play with everyone else. My mostly apolitical wife caught and she, in general, liked it. If I had to score it, I'd call it a net positive for Trump.

3) I saw many complaining about Trump's delivery. Let's be clear here: he appeared far more human that Hillary will likely appear next week. I know that she studies well, but her attempts to appear lifelike are usually dismal failures.

The Democrat convention is this week. Looking at the list of scheduled speakers makes me glad I don't have to watch that stuff for a living. An unindicted, corrupt felon will accept the nomination from a major party for the first time every, so there's that bit of history in the offing.

Now on to my crystal ball for this election. This prediction is based solely on how I see the Electoral College shaking out. National polls are more or less meaningless. Hillary will win CA by a gazillion votes, but there's no carryover to other states.

Virginia: I live there and have watched it change over the last few decades. The most dramatic changed has occurred within the last 10 years. The number of federal teat suckers living in NOVA has exploded. The odds of them voting to shrink the government (and their paychecks) is pretty much zero. This has nothing to do with Trump. I had projected Virginia staying blue long before the primary season began. So Virginia goes blue.

North Carolina: Yes, the state has changed a lot, but Hillary is strongly disliked by what I suspect is still a thin majority in the state. Put NC in the GOP column. For the record, if NC goes blue, you might as well go to bed because I think the race is effectively over at that point.

Colorado and Nevada: I could go into the details, but I think both of them go blue.

Pennsylvania and Ohio: Here's where it gets interesting. Trump is polling very well among the disaffected working class, notably the union members, due in large part to Hillary's desire to end coal and cheap energy forever. She will, of course, lie to their faces and some of them will buy it. This time, though, I don't think it will be enough. I suspect that PA and OH go red this year. I will offer one caveat: if the GOP doesn't have lots of poll watchers and armed guards protecting the ballots, the Democrat machine in Pittsburgh and Philadelphia will go into overdrive. Expect lots of counties with >100% of registered voters voting, with ALL of those votes going-surprise-to Hillary. They are going to pull out all of the stops here to make sure those states stay blue. If Trump and the GOP doesn't have enough boots on the ground to prevent it, those states could be stolen.

Florida: I've gone back and forth on this one, but I think Trump is going to win the Sunshine State this year. All that stuff I said about protecting the integrity of the ballots in PA and OH applies here as well. Florida has a history of...interesting vote tallies in some of its counties.

New York and New Jersey: write them both off. Clinton carries both easily.

Entire left coast: crazy Democrat strongholds. I see nothing that changes that this year. No matter how rightfully angry Bernie's voters are, the Democrats have proven time and time again that they will vote in lockstep to prevent the eeeevviiillll RethugliKKKans from winning.

Iowa: I've been waffling on this state for a while. I could make a case either way. But I'm going to lean GOP here.

Illinois: Home to Obama and home to what is possibly the crookedest political machine on the face of the Earth. I see no way that IL goes anything but blue.

Michigan: You'd think that Trump's message to the lower and middle class there and how much of their state has been destroyed by Democrat policies over the last few decades would resonate. It might, but as of right now, I'm still picking MI to stay blue.

Wisconsin: This is a goofy state. Blue in population, but with a successful governor who has won reelection. The state's economy is doing well and you'd think that this would have some effect on how the state will vote. But presidential elections are not the same as gubernatorial elections. If they were, Maryland would go red this year. It won't. Wisconsin could go red, but for right now, I'm putting it in the Democrat column.

New Hampshire: the MA infection is fatal. It goes blue.

Maine's 2nd congressional district: This is where the fun begins. I say it goes red which leads to what you'll see below:

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February 02, 2016

Bel-low (sung by the Minotaur)

Everyone was so excited when Adele's song Hello came out. Personally, I thought my ears would bleed. She has a good voice, but tends to BELLOW just a little too much for my taste. Therefore, I present a cover of her song:

Bel-low (sung by the Minotaur) ------------------------------

BEL-LOW, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years you'd come to Crete
You know that you are beaten
They say this time's supposed to kill ya
But I ain't done much eatin'

BEL-LOW, can you hear me
I'm in the Labyrinth dreaming about who I used to eat
When you were human and free
I've almost forgotten how people are simply tasty meat

There'll be a big wall around us
And rhw Aegean Sea

BEL-LOW from the other side
I must have killed a thousand times
I'd tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But you die when you come inside my home

BEL-LOW from the outside
At least I can say that you've died
I'd tell you I'm sorry for eating your heart
But it won't matter because I won't tear you apart anymore

BEL-LOW, how are you?
It's so typical of me to try and kill you I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
You'll never make it out of this place where no one ever survives

It's no secret that the just you alone
Are running out of time

So BEL-LOW from the other side
I must have killed a thousand times
I'd tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But you die when you come inside my home

So BEL-LOW from the other side
I must have killed a thousand times
I'd tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But you die when you come inside my home

Ooooohh, inside my home
Ooooohh, inside my home
Ooooohh, inside my home
Inside my home

So BEL-LOW from the other side
I must have killed a thousand times
I'd tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But you die when you come inside my home

So BEL-LOW from the outside
At least I can say that you've died
I'd tell you I'm sorry for eating your heart
But it won't matter because I won't tear you apart anymore

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June 07, 2014

So this is winning?

If so, I really don't want to know what losing looks like. Sadly, we're likely to find out under this regime. In any event, check out the labor force participation rate throughout this disaster of a presidency via Doug Ross. It's a continuous and unprecedented decline.

Update: I currently don't have permission to upload files to this blog. I've just lit the BatPixy Signal.

Update: Pixy is, if you didn't already know, the greatest.

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So this is winning?

If so, I really don't want to know what losing looks like. Sadly, we're likely to find out under this regime. In any event, check out the labor force participation rate throughout this disaster of a presidency via Doug Ross. It's a continuous and unprecedented decline.

Update: I currently don't have permission to upload files to this blog. I've just lit the BatPixy Signal.

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April 18, 2014

There are lies, damned lies and Paul Krugman

Via Ace comes this epic bitchslapping of Krugman. I will grant you that that is not a difficult task; my five year old could accomplish it. He wouldn't, of course, because he's very sweet unlike, say, me. Excerpt:

A person displays ideologically motivated cognition when, instead of weighing evidence based on criteria related to its connection to the truth, he or she credits or dismisses it based on its conformity to his or her ideological predispositions.

Thus, if we want to use public opinion on some issue -- say, climate change -- to assess the symmetry of ideologically motivated reasoning, we can't just say, "hey, liberals are right, so they must be better reasoners."

Rather we must determine whether "liberals" who "believe" in climate change differ from "conservatives" who "don't believe" in how impartially they weigh evidence supprotive of & contrary to their respective positions.

How might we do that?

Well, one way would be to conduct an experiment in which we manipulate the ideological motivation people with "liberal" & "conservative" values have to credit or dismiss one and the same piece of valid evidence on climate change.

If "liberals" (it makes me shudder to participate in the flattening of this term in contemporary political discourse) adjust the weight they give this evidence depending on its ideological congeniality, that would support the inference that they are assessing evidence in a politically motivated fashion.

If in aggregate, in the real world, they happen to "get the right" answer, then they aren't to be commended for the high quality of their reasoning.

Rather, they are to be congratulated for being lucky that a position they unreasoningly subscribe to happens to be true.

I highly recommend reading it, and not just because it makes Krugman look like a drooling imbecile because, hey, low bar and all. Rather, you should read it because it's excellent. Confirmation bias is something everyone should be on guard against. And one should especially be on guard against agreeing with someone simply because they have the same political likes and dislikes as you.

Update: Had to look this up so that I could put up the best bitchslapping of Paul Krugman ever. Who does the dirty work? Why, Paul Krugman himself. Excerpt:

Former Enron adviser Paul Krugman takes note in his New York Times column of what he calls "the incredible gap that has opened up between the parties":
Today, Democrats and Republicans live in different universes, both intellectually and morally.

"What Democrats believe," he says "is what textbook economics says":

But that's not how Republicans see it. Here's what Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona, the second-ranking Republican in the Senate, had to say when defending Mr. Bunning's position (although not joining his blockade): unemployment relief "doesn't create new jobs. In fact, if anything, continuing to pay people unemployment compensation is a disincentive for them to seek new work."

Krugman scoffs: "To me, that's a bizarre point of view--but then, I don't live in Mr. Kyl's universe."

What does textbook economics have to say about this question? Here is a passage from a textbook called "Macroeconomics":

Public policy designed to help workers who lose their jobs can lead to structural unemployment as an unintended side effect. . . . In other countries, particularly in Europe, benefits are more generous and last longer. The drawback to this generosity is that it reduces a worker's incentive to quickly find a new job. Generous unemployment benefits in some European countries are widely believed to be one of the main causes of "Eurosclerosis," the persistent high unemployment that affects a number of European countries.

So it turns out that what Krugman calls Sen. Kyl's "bizarre point of view" is, in fact, textbook economics. The authors of that textbook are Paul Krugman and Robin Wells. Miss Wells is also known as Mrs. Paul Krugman.

Jonah Goldberg is correct: You cannot hold pre-NYT Economist Paul Krugman up to the current version. You’ll just go mad.

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April 07, 2014

There's a new moon arising

So with Mozilla's latest decision to force out Eich for the crime of double plus ungood groupthink, I've decided to move on from Firefox to Pale Moon. However, the handy dandy migration tool doesn't work if you're currently using the portable version of Firefox, as I am. Here's how to go about manually migrating everything:

If you just want a one-shot copy, you can do it manually:

  1. On your desktop install, go to help > troubleshooting information
  2. Click the "Open folder" button under profile. This opens an explorer window in your profile.
  3. Close Pale Moon. !!IMPORTANT!!
  4. Select all files and folders (Ctrl+A) and copy (Ctrl+C)
  5. Browse your explorer to the user profile folder of Pale Moon Portable. {portable install folder}\User\Palemoon\Profiles\Default\
  6. Paste everything there (Ctrl+V)

It worked like a charm for me, moving all of my bookmarks, cookies and add-ons. Have fun stormin' the castle.

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December 07, 2013

Still here

Haven't been posting here too much due to a) being blocked at work during lunch and b) that third child takes up a bit of my time. Much like the other two, of course. In any event, my wit and wisdom (stop laughing) can be found most days on Twitter. However, I really have a hankering to do some more long form posts in the near future. Right now though, I'm going through popcorn by the truckload while watching the Titanic-sized disaster that is Obamacare. Actually, that isn't really fair to the Titanic: the passengers at least had some ice for their drinks before the ship sank.

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August 11, 2013

Your costs will do down and if you like your doctor, you can keep him

Of course, then you wake up. Anyway, here's an excerpt from Powerline detailing the actual changes that Obamacare will make in your medical future. They're aren't... they're don't... they're not... good. They suck.

One of the things Obamacare is doing is forcing Medicare’s CMS to cut back on quite a lot of rehabilitation services. CMS, even though it is officially for Medicare and Medicaid, is something that governs reimbursement for all insurance. It sets prices for every single medical procedure and device, etc., etc. Hospitals’ ability to seek reimbursement for something, regardless of whether the insurance is private or not, is set by CMS. It is the Big Brother of healthcare. Even though CMS has been in place for a very long time it is the whip hand for Obamacare rationing.

One of the things that changed for “new” stroke patients was limiting reimbursable therapy visits of all kinds for stroke patients to ten total (because my stokes had happened before the change I was grandfathered in, so to speak). Ten!

I have had well north of 200 visits. At upwards of $250/visit for most therapy not many folks could sustain that for long without insurance (and remember, jobs go away when you’re in the hospital as long as I was). Had I been restricted to ten visits my best case scenario would have involved a home nurse. I wouldn’t have been able to find work. And had I been single (as many stroke patients are because they’re elderly and their spouse has passed) I would have become destitute, thus likely landing in the Medicaid system, eventually.

But hey, omelette, eggs, your death.

Update: And this is when you believe that your Divine Shit ™ does not stink at all.

Now what’s true, Ed, is that in a normal political environment, it would have been easier for me to simply call up the speaker and say, you know what? This is a tweak that doesn’t go to the essence of the law. It has to do with, for example, are we able to simplify the attestation of employers as to whether they’re already providing health insurance or not. It looks like there may be some better ways to do this. Let’s make a technical change of the law.

That would be the normal thing that I would prefer to do, but we’re not in a normal atmosphere around here when it comes to, quote- unquote, “Obamacare.”

We did have the executive authority to do so, and we did so. But this doesn’t go to the core of implementation.

It's good to be king. Or a malignantly narcissistic fuckwad. Your choice.

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August 10, 2013

This is your brain on, crikey, I have no idea

Denial of reality: it's what's for dinner. Check out this statement from Landrieu:

I was stunned to then hear my Louisiana senator defend the massive U.S. debt saying: “That is not true, sir! We do not have an increasing national debt! For the past six to seven years we have been continuously driving that debt down and reducing it and it is NOT increasing.

Frankly, I couldn't make that statement without doubling over in laughter. I spent more than a decade in theater and that is one line I simply could not have pulled off with a straight face.

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Well, this is cheery

But I find it impossible to disagree with the conclusion in this article.

bama is merely a name, a speck in history. If it were not him now it would be some other soon. Whether Mr. Obama dreams of dictatorship or not, he will not likely achieve this. He is too early in the death of a nation.

Mr. Obama will likely be remembered as a political form of John the Baptist, one who was significant and abetted what comes next. Some unknown successor will be the real thing. He may be Democrat or Republican. He may come next election or ten elections from now. But he or she will come. Such is the nature of men, power and history.

At some point a ruthless politician will gain total control. He will have the power and control of a Stalin, Hitler or Mao. How that power will be used is moot, but power gained is never not used. Hoping for a benevolent dictator is worse than trying to draw to an inside straight. Even if you get lucky, you will lose with his successor.

America is now run by political sociopaths, unrestricted by laws, ethics or tradition. That characterizes both political parties. It does not matter whether we elect a “good man” next. No country survives dependent on the masses electing the right man.

Countries survive with systems that protect them against the wrong man. We have lost that protection.

Hat tip to Doug Ross.

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May 20, 2013

What do you think?

I think that Bookworm is on to something here. Excerpt:

The absolute worst scandal that’s emerged lately, and the worst administration scandal in American history is the IRS scandal. Why? Because you, the People, became the targets of a comprehensive federal government effort to stifle dissent, one made using the government’s overwhelming and disproportionate policing and taxing powers.

All of the other scandals, going back to Andrew Johnson’s post-Civil War scandals, Warren G. Harding’s 1920s Teapot Dome scandal, Nixon’s Watergate, Reagan’s Iran-Contra, and Clinton’s Oval Office sexcapades have actually been narrowly focused acts of cronyism, garden-variety political chicanery, or personal failings. It’s been insider stuff.

The IRS scandal, by contrast, is a direct attack on the American people.

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May 11, 2013

From our cold dead hands

Dethguild is spot on here. Excerpt that looks identical to what Bill Quick posted, because it is:

There is only one real question here Prog-Nazi: “How many of us gun-owners are you willing to kill to get our firearms?”

We won’t surrender one more inch except over our cooling corpses – and make no mistake – there are millions that feel as we do. Your hoplophobia is no justification for stripping citizens of their God-given, constitutionally enumerated civil rights. (No matter how many poor dead children’s graves your mercilessly play your totalitarian siren song from).

Ruminate on exactly how many of us you and your kind will have to massacre. Ponder it long and hard before you and your ilk start an Afghanistan style 4th generation civil-war stateside.

Let’s get 100% hypothetical here – and I will explain how the civil war you think you want will play out:

Update: Mike Hendrix offers similar thoughts:

Wanna know what the real “overriding factor” is? We will not comply with any new gun-grabbing legislation. If you persist, we will fight you. Holding people who haven’t killed anybody responsible for some random lunatic’s murders is a grave injustice. Stripping them of their single most important Constitutional right under false pretenses is a far graver one. When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty.

We know what you people are. We know what you really want. You are not going to get it. Not without a fight.

Come and take them, motherfuckers.


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This is what technology has come to

And not a moment too soon. Behold: Flying drone will air-drop beer to music festival attendees

Until now, a beer dropping out of the sky into the middle of a party has been a feat that only existed in TV commercials. Thanks to Darkwing Aerials though, attendees at the Oppikoppi music festival in South Africa can fulfill the dream of beer lovers everywhere and have a fresh brew delivered to them from above with the help of a flying drone.

Things like this restore my faith in humanity. Briefly, of course, but I'll take what I can get.

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What he said

Russ over at Ace's place makes the following observation, which I'm going to excerpt in full because it's short:

A peer-reviewed study comparing/contrasting the effectiveness of various lubricants in easing the pain of having Comprehensive Immigration Reform jammed up America's collective squeakhole. In descending order of effectiveness:

1. Astroglide

2. Vaseline

3. Spit

4. Nothing (control group)

5. Assurances that "Hispanics are a natural GOP constituency, and will rocket conservatism back into the White House for the next 50 years"

6. Sand

I noticed that he didn't add a seventh entry for "broken glass". I'm sure it was just an oversight.

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April 25, 2013

Thought for the day

From my friend Caltech Girl comes the following:

pooh piglet today.jpg

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February 16, 2013

Quote of the day

And it comes from Rush Limbaugh via Neo-Neocon:

So Obama is not at all connected to the tragic destruction of this country. He is seen as somebody who wants to fix it. It's the same thing as people seeing Colonel Sanders as a guy running a hospital to save chickens.

I've said it before and I will repeat it now:

There are days when I despair and think that a humanity-ending meteor would be the best thing. Those are my optimistic days.

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February 09, 2013

If only

Required viewing.

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January 07, 2013

Pay attention

jackass whisperer.jpg

It's good advice.

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December 18, 2012

Holiday images (repost)

Someone asked me once why I reposted lots of stuff during the Christmas season. Easy: I'm lazy. Satisfied?

Well, I can't get the images to tile the way I want them to, so I'll post them in as they are.

catching snowflakes (2).jpgholiday cheer2.JPGholiday cheer3.JPG

holiday cheer4.JPGholiday cheer5.JPG

holiday cheer6.JPGholiday cheer7.JPG

holiday cheer8.JPGholiday cheer9.JPG

holiday cheer10.JPGholiday cheer11.JPG

holiday cheer12.JPGholiday cheer13.JPG

holiday cheer.JPG

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Twelve days of Christmas (repost)

Not only did I post this last year, I've sent it out via email for more than 10 years. I promised you old and stale, and I've delivered ancient and decayed. No thanks are necessary.

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge
in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a
hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,


December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.

All my love,


December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling
but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,

December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too



December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for
every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop.


December 20, 1972


What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What
kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's
not funny. So stop those freaking birds.


December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8
maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a
milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the
lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.


December 22, 1972

Hey Shithead:

What are you.....some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict

You'll get yours !

December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river
of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !


December 24, 1972

Listen F--khead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maid and ladies?
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three
of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

You're sworn enemy,

December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should
attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium,
the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.


Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

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A special Christmas message (repost)

To all of those long suffering sons or daughters-in-law...

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me, we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Berta and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.

Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is, the one with the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from my bosom. Merry Christmas.

Love, MOM

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Barbie's letter to Santa (repost)

Yes, I posted this before. I did warn you....

Barbie's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea
parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY
BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't
wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing
suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon
and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to
my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior
account exec!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a
bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs;
or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours Truly,



Ken's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you
for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my
fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you
of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel
Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has
everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability
to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am
forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered
"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In
addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such

"S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new
markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me
away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.
Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've
talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions
to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and
others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's
what he said last night.



Posted by Physics Geek at 07:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0) | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!

December 10, 2012

What if Santa answered his letters truthfully?

All repeats, all the time!

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud
boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE
can spell!

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Dear Damien,
Who names their kid "Damien" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle
of scotch.

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind
by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey,you wanted to know.

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our house?

First, stop calling yourself "Joey", that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,

Posted by Physics Geek at 06:16 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0) | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!

A heart-warming Christmas post (repost)

My Christmas Story

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping
done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas
season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was
loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I
was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath,
I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years
old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he
was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten
lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had
three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years
old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made
very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to
save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young
boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the
money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take
the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the
hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And
nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and
sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken
boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry

So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Posted by Physics Geek at 06:15 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0) | StumbleUpon Toolbar Stumble It!